The Wedding I Never Had – Christine Jane

I was supposed to get married this year.

The dream turned into a nightmare however and my whole world came crashing down a year ago.

I made a conscious decision the day everything fell apart to throw myself into music and art and not let anyone take that from me. Especially given how early I was into my exploration of performing solo. I knew my art would be life raft to carry me to shore.

Not long after my home and my family dissolved I found myself watching a theatre show at Sydney Fringe Festival. Sitting in the dark in The Red Box at Legs on the Wall (the world famous physical theatre company in Lilyfield) I watched actors swim in the air. I was mesmerised as the lights brightened and dimmed, seeing the colours change, and feeling so much being spoken without words. I was transfixed. There grew the seeds of imagination I thought were lost in the ocean of my pain.

Ideas started flowing. All the possibilities for Songs For Bleeding Hearts began parading through the theatre of my mind.

I imagined creating a theatre show to be a vessel for these new songs, and having aerial/ circus artists create a spectacle to go with the story that would be woven through. ‘There’s no way that’s gonna happen’ my brain said. ‘It would cost too much! You don’t know the right people! Who would come and watch it anyway?!’ Yet still I imagined it all….the lighting…the costumes…what the room would look like…the beauty of the performances….I went home and looked up the theatre company and the performers on instagram and started following them, amazed that people so talented exist in this world.

A few months later there was a post calling out for submissions for ‘Little Big Top’. An annual circus and physical theatre variety show of a high calibre. I jumped instantly and opened my email to compose without knowing what I was going to say. I knew that I must make an offering for Songs For Bleeding Hearts to be used in some way. Perhaps someone could use a song to perform to. Recorded or live it didn’t matter. The video from last year’s show looked so magical I just wanted to be a part of it in some way.

Within a day I had a reply from Katie, the director. It was more enthusiastic than I’d hoped. She sounded warm and exuberant, and open to collaboration. A big smile washed over my face. This connection had good energy immediately. Over a few emails we talked about who we were and what we’d been up to creatively, and what our hopes were. I put forward some big ideas and Katie leapt at every one of them. We agreed to have lunch and chat through a few things.

The lunch was filled with good energy and Katie seemed to have a belief in me out of the blue. I risked telling her the biggest craziest ideas I had for my record and the day dreams that had been swirling through my mind since seeing the show at Legs. Yes, yes yes, she wanted to make all the things happen with me! She wanted to see ideas turn into reality and seemed to have the skills and experience to do so. She even suggested bypassing Little Big Top and working on something bigger together…a full show show based on my ideas and music…woahhh! Hold up, that sounds too good to be true. I mean, that would be a dream come true… But first, let’s focus on the here and now. Let’s start small I said. (I have never said that before in my life). Katie was excited at the thought of having live music in the show. It had been on her mind as an element the production needed but she wasn’t sure how to make it happen. We agreed I would sing a song in Little Big Top. And someone else would perform alongside me.

Katie set to work finding the right person to partner me with.

A woman who makes giant quirky puppets.

I wasn’t sure.

She wasn’t available.

Move on.

An aerialist.

No they already had a song lined up. They had created their whole routine to it.

Next.

A cyr wheel artist.

What’s a cyr wheel? Oh. A giant hula hoop that someone stands inside (like Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man) whilst rolling around?

OK. That could work. It sounds interesting.

They’re keen. I like the concept. Let’s make this happen!

They pull out a week before the show.

Katie calls me.

‘How are you with heights?’….

‘Um, I’m fine with heights….but we’re a week out from the show…..what have you got in mind?’ Gulp….

‘Leave it with me, just come into the Trapeze School this Sunday. Oh and start looking for a white dress.’

‘What?!’

‘Just trust me!’

That was Thursday, and on Sunday I walk into a Trapeze School in my trackies. Alone, apprehensive, my search for a big white dress returning nothing.

‘Hi.’

‘Hey’

People start to greet me.

‘Are you Christine?’

‘Yeah, sorry I’m late…’ I’m out of my comfort zone.

Katie runs over with a beaming smile on her face.

‘Ahh, you’re here! Perfect timing!’ She gives me a hug and introduces me to Alex, Emma, and a few others.

I feel totally out of place amongst these Goddesses and Adonises with lithe physiques. Here they are in their element, stretching, bouncing, dangling from things all around me. What am I getting myself into?!

‘Look what I found in the store room’ Katie says, pulling something out of a plastic bag.

It’s a white satin floor length wedding dress with lace puff sleeves… over the top… 80s style… a huge bow at the back.

I felt the inevitable mix of emotions.

‘Oh my god, I can’t believe you found one’ I half smile.

I wanted to laugh. But I wondered if this cosmic joke was on me.

I stepped into it as she held it out for me.

It fit perfectly.

We looked at each other in awe. A smile reaching over both our faces.

I knew this was the strange destiny that had been waiting for me.

Katie didn’t know a thing about me or my story. But it felt like she knew everything.

‘Come over here’ Katie beckoned me to a swing hanging from the ceiling – a ceiling as high an aircraft hangar. Some nice folks who looked like they knew what they were doing harnessed me in and draped some white cloth over me, from the waist down. It was attached to the swing. I could see that it was to sit on top of the dress I was wearing, and hang down a long way.

‘So, you’re going to sing your song up there. And we’re going to project something really special on this giant white dress.’ Katie smiled.

‘Oh, that sounds….wow.’ I started to feel nervous. I didn’t know what to say. I was excited. But…we were a week from the show. What the hell am I doing?! How was I going to be able to create something people were going to part with their hard earned cash for?!

Chatter ensued amongst the sound and lighting technicians who were going to pull together the final elements needed for the show.

‘Are you ready to go up?’

‘Yep! ….Let’s do it!’

I held on tight with both hands as I was winched up slowly. The whirring sound put butterflies in my stomach. The feeling of going up for the first time took my breath away. My feet were dangling and everyone looked small.

But I felt like I kind of belonged up there. I sat there peacefully for a while and soaked it all in.

‘How do you feel?!’ Katie called out.

‘Good!’ I grinned. ‘I like it!’

My breath was affected by the motion and the height the first time I went up. I’ve never sung on a swing with my feet dangling beneath me before. Or with the audience so far below. Or to a backing track of my own music. Or with a headset…or….there were so many firsts happening at once.

Down on the ground Katie tells me it looked great, and this time we’ll do it with the song I’m going to sing.

Up I went again, breathily singing my song ‘Lonely’. As the backing track started to play my hands gripped tightly but the seat was comfortable and I felt secure. Singing was tricky while concentrating on my balance. I faltered. ‘This is going to be shit’ I thought. ‘People are paying to see this show. I don’t want to give a B-Grade performance and let them down.’

When I returned to the ground I had some time to the side with Katie. I told her about my wedding plans and broken engagement. She had nothing but understanding for me. She related in ways I didn’t expect. She made sure I was OK to continue. By the end of the conversation, I had enough confidence to say ‘This is going to be my catharsis. My metamorphosis’. Katie agreed… as long as the emotion wasn’t too much for me then this added meaning was going to make it more beautiful.

We ran through it again, testing lighting and sound.

Afterwards, I chatted to Emma Goh who was thoughtfully watching our practice run. She was performing on the night too. Little did I realise what a quiet achiever she was, having spent her life dancing and in the theatre, travelling the world and performing death defying tricks. We chatted about the act and the costume. Emma quietly listened to my thoughts about the dress and we talked about how we could transform from a set of hanging bed sheets (they were actually huge theatre curtains) to the largest wedding dress we’d ever seen. Before I knew it, Emma had a needle and thread, creating gathered plumes adjoining each layer. Every day that week she took it upon herself to add tulle and make adjustments without being asked. It became more and more magnificent for no money and seemingly no effort at all. I started to feel what ‘the circus’ was all about. I could see how people who travel in circuses really would become family. As the week went on more performers were drawn into my act, to assist me to the swing, to harness me, to wrap the skirt around me, to collect the fabric and lay it out wide as I reached the highest height. And finally, to turn me 360 degrees slowly as the stars and sky projected onto the dress creating a magical canvas….

Each performer had skills they brought to the show and shared freely: make up, photography, stage tech, lighting. It wasn’t enough for them to be physically gifted, they brought much more to go around and create a fully rounded theatre experience. It was beyond heartwarming to see the spirit of collaboration between these artists, no questions asked. It’s refreshing after spending so much time in the music industry where it seems to be every person for themselves.

After a couple of rehearsals I wanted to add something to the highest point of my act – a gesture, a motion, something visible to the audience that would keep their attention and help me avoid getting lost in the darkness. In every conversation Katie was so kind and encouraging. She gave me guidance and heard all my ideas. I suggested dropping flowers down to the floor. Of course she loved it. I thought they would have to be white in order to be seen. I had a cheap Hawaiian lei at home somewhere made from synthetic neon flowers so the next night I grabbed it to take to rehearsal. I assumed they would look shitty because of the different colours, and that they would get lost amongst the projections. Oh well, it was just for the rehearsal.

Alas…. they glowed spectacularly. They fell from my hand like meteors, clinging on to the dress one by one, shining like dying stars.

The room became a nebulous nativity.

I was dying yet born again.

An ethereal presence, princess of the darkness, multi dimensional astronaut on a new mission.

It reminded me of lying in my bed as a kid, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars I spent house sticking to the ceiling.

‘Lonely’ is a love letter I wrote to myself to comfort me when I’m so.

The lyrics are simple but I hope they are a letter to anyone who needs it:

Just because you’re lonely

Doesn’t mean you’re only

Doesn’t mean you’re the only one in the world

Dry your eyes

Get on with the ride

And don’t look so sad

Get up get on with it

Do what you can with it

It’s not so bad

Just because you’re lonely

Doesn’t mean you’re only

Doesn’t mean you’re the only one in the world

If I had told you

Tomorrow wouldn’t

Be so blue

Would you believe

The things

That I was telling you

Just because you’re lonely

Doesn’t mean you’re only

Doesn’t mean you’re the only one in the world

Those two nights in the Little Big Top changed me. I experienced butterflies I hadn’t felt since I started performing as a teenager. The really big fluttery kind when you know you’re doing something magical. When you know you’re going to be transformed, or transform others.

I want to thank everyone who made those nights so special. Katie McDonagh who created the concept and for three years now has given Sydney this incredible showcase of talent. The owners of Sydney Trapeze School who opened their space and welcomed us all with such generosity. To Emma Goh who gently helped shape the costume and overall vision for this performance beyond my wildest dreams. To Brian Sobel who was the funniest, wittiest, most caring, most flexible MC I’ve ever seen. To all the other performers who brought insurmountable team spirit. And the tech guys and gals who went to extraordinary lengths (like sitting on a wooden plank in the rafters for hours on end to project lights) to make us all look and sound amazing. Thank you to Josh Schuberth with whom I recorded ‘Lonely’ and who prepared the backing track which sounded gorgeous.